The #2 Mistake You're Making in Your Dating Life
Photo by Felipe Callado on Unsplash
I wrote last month that the #1 mistake you’re making in your dating life is going on dates you don’t want to be going on.
Out of fear, scarcity, or competition — in an attempt to keep up with others, fit in, or belong despite not being interested or actually excited about going on a date.
I’m back with the #2 mistake you’re making in your dating life which is that you’re keeping your dating life a secret.
You’re ashamed you’re single, you’re ashamed you’re talking to yet another person and the last fling didn’t work out.
You don’t believe you can have what you want, that a real, healthy relationship is actually possible for you.
You’re wishy washy whenever anyone asks about your dating life and you deflect the question.
Hiding in shame and trying to pretend like you aren’t struggling will only perpetuate the problem and make you feel more isolated.
It actually increases the intensity of your experience when you keep it a secret.
Being open, sharing with others about what’s really going on, and allowing yourself to be supported will not only relieve you of some of the burden (of trying to do and figure everything out yourself) but it will also allow others to contribute to you and put their heads together.
I guarantee, they’ve likely experienced similar feelings at one point or another and sharing about what’s going on for you will help you to feel more connected and in turn, approachable by others.
Create a Ride
I have my clients picture an amusement park. There’s some rides that are appealing, high energy, there’s an excited park employee welcoming you in, there’s nice lights, and displays.
Then there’s some rides that are cricket-ey, no ones going to, you’re unsure if they’re even safe to go on.
Your dating life is much the same. You create the experience people will have when they date you.
Do you have an interesting life?
Are you turned-on and excited?
Are you welcoming, approachable, is the ride of your life a compelling one?
Or are you bitter, gloomy?
Haboring resentment, closed off?
Is that the ride that others go on when they’re connected to you?
You get to decide what the ride you create in your dating is like.
By being connected to what you have to offer, and fully owning all the interesting experiences and perspectives you bring to the table, you make it more interesting for others to want to get to know you.
Chances are, it’s a real privilege to be connected to you but if you don’t believe that first, who will?
Enroll People in Your Ride
Now that you’ve got a compelling ride it’s time to enroll others to also see the value and help bring quality people in for the experience.
A client of mine met her partner because she created a really compelling ride of her life. She dug deep in coaching, turned way on, and quite literally became magnetic. She told people she was investing in herself, that she hired a relationship coach, and that it was a deep desire of hers to be married and have a loving partnership.
Everyone in her life took notice. It wasn’t long before a friend of hers said “I need you to meet my coworker”. They were introduced and have been dating for nearly 6 months now.
Let others help you. Get really turned on about the partner you’re looking to meet and the life you want to create with someone. Make it known you’re open to being set up, who would be a potential good match, and welcome their ideas of who you should meet.
Be Open
There’s nothing worse as a coach or even as a friend than making suggestions and presenting well-thought out ideas and having them immediately shut down. It signals to me someone who is fixed minded and not open to trying anything new or growing.
Being coachable, open, and welcoming of an approach or way of being that’s different than what you’ve tried or done is key if you’re looking to make a change.
Be open to doing something differently. Be willing to give something a shot once. Be open to having your mind blown or having your expectations completely shattered (in a good way).
When we put conditions on our life “it has to look like xyz” or “has to happen like abc” we’re limiting ourselves and closing ourselves off to possibilities. That it could be easier, or faster, or even better than what we imagined.
Be willing to meet someone you may have passed over, be willing to attend something you never imagined yourself enjoying, be willing to try on a new mindset that a relationship can come to you with ease. Your openness and receptivity is what will make that reality.
Be willing to take different actions than you have in the past. The only way to get a different result is through doing something differently. Be open to what that different could be.
One of the biggest mistakes you’re making in your dating life is keeping it a secret.
There’s nothing shameful about being single and carefully selecting a future partner. There’s nothing shameful in really intentionally creating the life you want so that you can welcome someone in. There’s nothing shameful about wanting to work on yourself and not being willing to settle for anything less than the full thing.
When you’re open and receptive people and opportunities can pour in. When people know you’re looking they’ll go to work for you and become your best advocate. When you have an exciting life, people want to be connected to you and you can call in all sorts of magic.
You control your dating ride, how do you want it to be?
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.