How to Lessen the Sting of Rejection
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
I finally made it out of NY and across the ocean to Lisbon, Portugal. A stop along the way to my final destination, Bali.
I booked a last-minute Airbnb and decided to wait out the Bali border closure here in Portugal.
The place I’m staying is nice, I have a big bedroom, bay window, workspace, and private double bathroom all to myself. I do, however, share a kitchen and hallway with other travelers.
4 men, to be exact.
I got in and was a bit overwhelmed meeting each one in passing.
After having lived alone, and spent the majority of this year single — 4 attractive, 20–30 something men all at once was… a lot.
The last year and half in quarantine I was doing the final, at times arduous, healing work from my breakup 2+ years ago.
Getting all my things back from his storage unit, deleting go pro videos I never finished making from trips we took, and looking at all the places I was still holding on to this person.
Now here I was abroad dipping my toes back into dating and creating the space for someone new to come into my life and I ended up in a flat with 4 attractive men living mere feet from me.
Shortly after I arrived I saw everyone in the kitchen together. Putting away groceries, folding laundry, cooking.
I pop in to say hello and then awkwardly and abruptly say
“Hey, we should all go out for dinner sometime”
They all look around at each other and remain silent. No one answered. I listened for what I thought might have been some sort of sound mutterance but I quickly realized no one was interested in my offer.
Feeling deeply embarrassed I went back into my room.
What in the hell did I just do?
I went into a whole downward spiral.
I was supposed to be good at this stuff, I’m a dating coach for goodness sake!
I lay in bed that night feeling a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while.
That deep sting of rejection.
The piercing feeling in the center of your chest that has you tell all sorts of stories about yourself and forget who you really are.
It felt all consuming. Why even bother?
It was a dark hole I hadn’t been in awhile.
Luckily, I woke up in the morning and felt more or less back to normal.
Fast forward to two weeks later.
A coach friend of mine puts me on an email with one of her coach friends she met in a training program.
The email went “Molly I want to connect you with _____. He’s a good friend….”
She went on to explain what he does and that we probably have a lot we can talk about.
I don’t think much of it. I reply because the coach friend is someone I trust and didn’t want to blow off her introduction to this person.
He and I emailed a bit and we set up a Zoom call.
I got on the Zoom call and immediately felt connected to this person. He had an incredible sense of presence and attention. A man that could hold space who was doing and creating interesting things.
We ended up talking about intuition and polarity. Man woman dynamics. A bit about dating.
I had to run off the call but knew I really wanted to speak with him again and get to know him.
I emailed him the next day thanking him for the convo and asked to set up another Zoom call next month.
He replied later that day that he would like that too and so we’re Zooming again in a few weeks.
The funny thing is, sending off that email asking for another Zoom date caused me no anxiety. I felt no attachment.
I had no fear, no worry. I sent it and went on with my day.
Whether he was interested or not wasn’t important.
I was communicating with him from a place of true desire and truth. That I felt something and was willing to explore where it might lead.
Compared to my kitchen situation this was a very welcome experience.
When we’re in our truth, when we’re in our body, and when we’re connected to faith and communicating and relating to each other as adults — rejection doesn’t hit or sting the same. It’s just a fact with little residue.
If you’re feeling really down about a rejection, or if you feel like you’re on the receiving end of it frequently, it’s worth checking in with yourself.
What version of yourself are you showing up as?
When I was in the kitchen, I was in my little self. I was speaking to these men from that young version of me. See, girls (maturity level, not necessarily age) place value on beauty and physical attraction and that was all I knew about these men. I slipped into my younger self that wanted to feel chosen and wanted to be liked by a group of attractive guys.
I’m guessing they felt that. It was out of alignment with who I really am and their rejection was merely a response to the dissonance they felt — the words I was saying and the energy I was bringing vs. the adult woman who appeared to be in front of them was not all in alignment.
Women value intelligence and integrity. My Zoom call the weeks later I went in with no expectations. I was connecting in a more professional sense but I also was a lot more grounded in myself and could see the person in front of me for someone much more than their appearance.
What’s your motive?
Having just moved in and being in a new space, I wanted to get along. I wanted my attractive roommates to like me. I wanted their validation, to have the experience of “She’s the cool American girl. We want to hang out and spend time with her.” All insecurity driven thoughts, all selfish thoughts. Thoughts that have nothing to do with seeing them as men and who they really are. Thoughts that are driven in motive to feel better about myself.
Now, I can be kind to myself here. I was in a new space. It’s human nature to want to belong and, long term, it will not serve any of your relationships.
Versus the Zoom call where I was driven by actual desire. Desire to get to know someone. Desire to explore more (actual) depth + connection. Desire that I felt in my body.
If your motive is seeking validation or acceptance, that’s called relating with an agenda and others can feel it. They don’t want to hold that, the energy of it doesn’t feel good, and it’s not nourishing or genuine connection for anyone.
If your motive is based in desire, one that feels true and grounded in your body, that’s actual connection, with a possibility to build intimacy. That’s an experience that’s generative for others, a ride they want to go on and receive energy from.
If you’re being rejected often, check in with yourself.
What’s your motive?
What’s your mindset?
Often we feel rejected most when we’re in a lack mindset. When we think there isn’t more of what we want so we have to grip and take full advantage of what’s in front of us. Not accounting for the abundance or plenty of other potential opportunities.
Having just come out of living alone and spending the majority of my year with girlfriends and other women, I was in a lack mindset around men.
Quickly, that shifted. In addition to my roommates, I started meeting so many men in Lisbon. Fellow travelers, people on the street. Within a few days I found myself laughing and saying “All men must live in Europe”.
A lack mindset is one you want to catch and work on shifting out of quickly. The natural state of our world is meant to be in abundance. It’s usually ourselves who block it from coming to us.
If you’re willing to look and shift your perspective, there is abundance everywhere.
After a few weeks shifting my perspective and opening my eyes I was back in an abundance mindset, especially around men.
My experience on the Zoom date as a result, made putting myself out there much less anxiety inducing. I was so much less attached to the results and I do trust that even if he had said no, it would not have been that same level of sting I felt before. I knew there would be plenty more opportunities to meet men and plenty of more Zoom dates to be had. Afterall, this introduction had quite literally fallen out of the sky.
Rejection is inevitable. If you’re a walking talking human being you will get your feelings hurt in life. You will let people down. People will let you down and you’ll be told no plenty of times in proportion to being told yes. It’s part of being alive. It’s part of taking a stand. It’s part of being an active participant in relationships and it’s part of pursuing desire.
And, rejection doesn’t have to sting. It doesn’t have to send you into a doomsday black hole for days or weeks or months. If rejection is something that sends you spinning and cripples your dating or personal life it’s worth examining.
What are your motives, what version of yourself are you showing up as, and what’s your mindset?
Here’s to taking empowered risks and following true desire. That’s an energy that’s truly admirable and attractive.
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