Use This Checklist to Prepare for Your Next Date
Photo by GRAHAM MANSFIELD on Unsplash
Dating, trying to find your life’s partner, and navigating the intricacies of human behavior, is tough.
It’s tough because the more and more time I spend as a relationship coach, the more and more I see that relationships are not always black and white, we’re complex beings, and there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach when it comes to vetting out the person you want to share your life with.
However, dating can be totally by your design — exactly how you want it to look.
You can craft a strategy to meet someone in real life, you can hire a matchmaker or service to find someone for you, you can use dating apps.
You can enlist your friends to put their heads together and pool their networks to find someone to introduce you to.
All ways I know of that have clients and close friends have found luck.
Whatever strategy or method you choose here are 13 tips to ensure that when you do land a date, it doesn’t totally suck.
(1) A firm commitment scheduled 60–75 minutes later
If you struggle with boundaries or always end up staying on a date far too long, do yourself a favor and create something (i.e. some sort of commitment) you won’t be able to bail on that will get you out on time.
Something you know you will have to show up for. Like a class or appointment with a cancellation fee. A catchup with a friend that has a formal calendar invite and Zoom link. A reservation at a restaurant with another friend. Or an agreement to watch a show that starts at a specific time. I think you get the point.
Putting this type of tool in place will help you breakthrough your people pleasing tendencies. You may be forced to politely interrupt the other person or decline a post date invitation you would have normally agreed to.
Whatever it takes to light a fire under you and get you out on time, do that.
It’s best to leave on a peak and positive note.
Save some mystery and ‘wanting’ for the next encounter.
(2) A go-to list of what you’re currently excited and turned-on about in your life
“Have you tried making yourself a more interesting person?”
Come prepared to a date with some things you’re up to.
Are you taking a memoir class?
Learning golf?
Working with a coach?
Have an exciting trip planned?
Taking on a new project?
Planning something for a friend?
Learned something new about yourself recently?
Reading a cool new book?
Gotten back from a trip?
Don’t expect the other person to interview you and pull out all your interesting characteristics. Have some things that make you, you, on the tip of your finger.
What we spend our time and money on = our values.
(3) Trust in yourself that you have a lot to offer and are an interesting person
Your new dating mantra:
“It’s a privilege to be connected to me. I am an interesting person with an interesting life.”
Enough said.
(4) Someone to check-in with to remind you of yourself if it went crappy
Part of why I love group coaching and the group experiences I create for clients is because it has a built in community of friends and a support system to cheer you on as you navigate modern dating.
Have a friend, mentor, coach, or person in your life you can check-in with if you have an experience that doesn’t sit right or that has you question humanity or yourself.
Sometimes we all need a reminder of our brilliance and someone to bring us back into our bodies and reality.
Have a go-to person you can call no matter what.
(5) An honest check-in with your internal state before you leave
It’s worth building in half an hour, an hour before stepping foot out the door to ground and smooth out your system. Ask yourself, am I hungry? Angry? Tired?
If I am hugely one of those three, chances are I will not be able to be present or have a real connected experience with someone.
Maybe you need a snack, a power nap, or a journaling/vent session before you head out.
Whatever it is, take responsibility for your state before you go taking someone on your ride.
(6) A reminder that the world is happening outside your head
If you’re someone who habitually overthinks, over analyzes, or worries to the ends of the earth make it a point to keep a lot of attention “outside” of yourself and on the other person.
Before walking into the restaurant, do a scan of your surroundings. What are you seeing, feeling, experiencing around you?
When you sit down, how can you make this the most interesting person in the world. What do you feel really compelled to ask them? What does your body want to know about them?
Do more of the question asking if you’re someone who is very comfortable being passive and quiet in a conversation.
The more you ask and the more the other person opens up, the more opportunities there are to find shared points of connection you may be able to relate to.
The world is happening outside your head, don’t get stuck in it and completely miss the person on the other side of the table.
(7) An unwavering commitment to your dating purpose
If you are dating to get married and have children and the person in front of you says they have no desire to ever settle down or start a family, politely move the conversation towards a natural end or peak and thank them for their time and wish them the best.
Pull back your energy, shorten your responses, let the connection fizzle, and get out.
It’s not worth entertaining the conversation further if a person very clearly explains their desire and where they’re at. Believe them and keep looking for the person that shares your same purpose for dating.
Don’t abandon your desire to be polite and give someone a chance. Commit to the future relationship you want to create.
(8) Courage to say no thanks if you’re a no to a second date
The kindest thing you can do is tell someone the truth.
If you’re not interested or not feeling it don’t say yes just to be nice.
Politely decline the request and wish them the best.
It’s worth the 30 seconds of discomfort to preserve space for the relationship you really do want.
You can do it.
(9) Someone to celebrate with after if it felt great
Surround yourself with people who actually want you to succeed and be happy in your relationships. Not jealous friends who want you to be single forever so they can remain protected in their insecurities.
Have someone in your life that will cheer you on, back you, and pump you up for this exciting unfolding.
(10) Compassion for the other person
Dating can be hard and vulnerable. Humans are complex and sometimes complicated. Relational skills and intimacy do not always come easy or feel like first nature. Nor are they things we grow up learning in traditional school.
Be compassionate for the other person sitting across from you. There’s a good chance they’re just as nervous as you. That they’re afraid to get hurt. Are hard on themselves and worry about getting it all right or looking dumb.
Open your heart and remember they’re a person like you with a desire to be seen and understood.
(11) Suspension of judgement
No one likes the feeling of being judged.
It has us remain on guard, feel like we need to ‘prove’ ourselves, and overall not feel safe in the presence of another person.
When we judge others, so often it is because we’re highly judgemental and critical of ourselves and it gets turned outward.
If you feel yourself wanting to judge someone else ask yourself “what if there’s a good reason they’re like that, what if there’s a good reason they’re doing that?”.
(12) Curiosity
Soften and be curious with the person you’re sitting across from. Feel in your body when you want to ask a certain question. Get curious about their answers, their values, is this someone you feel like you could trust?
Bring curiosity instead of judgement or force.
(13) Your give/get list
Finally, it is so important before embarking on too deep of a dating journey to make and map out your ‘give’ and ‘get’ list. Reflecting on and writing out all the things you want to ‘give’ and provide for a partner. Reflecting on and writing out all the things you want to ‘get’ and receive from a partner. Having total clarity on that will allow you to easily sort and decipher if someone is aligned with ultimately the relationship experience and partnership you’re looking to create.
One last bonus item I left off — your intuition.
Dating columns, all the advice that’s out there, self-help books will ultimately never trump your intuition. You are the expert in your own life, in your own body. Trust it’s speaking to you and holds all the answers.
If something feels off, trust it. If something feels exciting but a little bit terrifying, great invite yourself to lean in.
The healthy, fulfilling, exciting relationship is out there and waiting for you.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.