How I Learned to Trust Again

Lucija Ros on Unsplash

I was standing at the ATM in a ton of panic.

Waiting as it processed my card hoping it would get spit back out with no issues.

Being in Bali the one thing people told me was “it’s impossible to get mail here” so losing my ATM card would be a huge bummer

Almost 4 years ago I went through a really rough breakup. Neither of us wanted it to end but we could no longer deny that it wasn’t working.

In the fight to keep it alive we caused each other a lot of pain and it left me with a lot of scars.

These scars took a lot of time to heal from and I spent a lot of time rebuilding myself.

Regaining my confidence.

Opening my heart back up.

The hardest part wasn’t actually finding a new apartment after we broke our lease. Or creating new routines for myself. Or even setting boundaries with social media and our shared friends.

The hardest part of this healing process was learning to rebuild my sense of trust.

Trust in myself
Trust in others
Trust in the world

I remained really closed off for awhile.

Hiding behind “I’m healing from a terrible heartbreak”.

I dug into building my business, helping other women find love.

And as the world opened up last year it felt quite symbolic.

Maybe I was ready to do the same? But opening up again meant trusting again which felt so painful.

I talked about it a lot in therapy and with my coaches and my coach offered an idea.

He said is there something in your life that you could just decide to trust and believe would work out?

I sat with that suggestion and oddly I knew exactly what to pick.

I was waiting on a package from LA, from my ex, with a bunch of my old things. Some of which were quite fragile.

I shared all this with my coach and decided I would just trust that the package would arrive at the right place all in one piece (it did).

And so I started doing this more.

Just deciding to trust that things would work out and knowing that even if they didn’t I would still be supported. And be ok.

Which is good because a lot of my plans for 2021 didn’t work out on the first go.

Most importantly, leaning into this practice taught me that trust is a choice.

If you’re struggling to open yourself up back up or trust again here’s my thoughts.

Start Small

Look for moments that the universe is coming through for you. Like when you book a yoga class and the train comes right on time so you’re not late. Or you find that perfect parking spot right outside brunch.

Reflect, when have you trusted and it went according to plan?

We don’t even think about electricity when we turn on our light switch. We just trust it to be able to run through the wires and be there for us.

There are moments every day if you’re open to seeing them that life is working out for you and showing you that it can be trusted.

Start small and choose the perspective, “there’s a lot that I can have trust in”.

Be Trustworthy to Yourself

While there’s a lot of elements in life we can’t control, one thing we’ll always have control over is ourselves and our reactions to life.

For a long time I felt like I couldn’t trust others but when I sat and reflected, I couldn’t really trust myself, either.

I would say I would do something and I wouldn’t. I would proclaim at brunch I wanted to be in a relationship but kept going back to the same guy who didn’t want to commit. I said I wanted a new relationship but kept hanging onto my ex.

I had big goals and dreams but watched Law and Order on repeat for hours.

What I was teaching myself was that my word didn’t matter and it couldn’t really be trusted if it was spoken.

So I had to break the pattern and get rigorously honest with myself. Did my words line up with my actions? Was I doing the things I promised myself I would take action on?

I stopped seeing men who had no intention of being in a serious relationship and I set a hard boundary with myself to stop pulling myself back into my old relationship.

When I showed up for myself in these ways I felt a deeper sense of trust in myself and what life was presenting me with.

Choose to Trust

At the end of the day, trust is a choice.

Last fall I was trying to travel to Bali but once I got rid of my apartment and applied for a Visa the Delta variant started spreading and the world closed down its borders.

Now having no apartment and having told everyone I was leaving to travel I had a choice to make. Did I move in with my family and give up on my plan or did I book a ticket and trust it would all work itself out?

I got myself to Portugal to wait it out.

I chose to trust.

3 weeks later Bali opened back up and I slid in just in time.

Standing at the ATM that day I chose to trust it would give me back my ATM card and it did.

It’s not always easy but trust is a choice we can consciously make.

So maybe this week you could decide your internet will work for a big meeting, a delivery will make it to you no problem, and that you’ll fall asleep easily when you close your eyes.

When all those things work out you can put a check mark in the trust bank and maybe, just maybe you can open your heart up a bit more.

Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.