How to Attract Secure, Consistent Love

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

For most of my twenties I dated “hot and cold” men (almost exclusively).

Things would be going great (or so I thought) and then they’d disappear.

They’d be affectionate, interested, then we’d have sex and I’d never hear from them again.

Even in serious relationships my partners would be loving, supportive, attentive and then they would go into a hole and I’d have to go in and get them.

It would cause me to be anxious after not hearing from them and then as soon as they’d reappear I’d act like nothing was wrong.

See, growing up I experienced a lot of inconsistencies so it’s not a surprise I struggled to have my needs consistently met in relationships.

It was comfortable, familiar, and it was what I knew.

I’d work nonstop and then maybe do something to take care of myself.

I’d go to acupuncture then drink all weekend.

I’d feel confident and accomplished at work but then beat myself up for the struggles in my personal life.

Nothing in my life was consistent whatsoever.

And many women I coach tell me the same thing.

Their needs aren’t something they’re used to tending to and making a consistent priority.

Their needs are usually something they put attention on only after work and their families are handled.

They’re keeping energy in connections that aren’t fulfilling.

They have a hot and cold relationship with the dating process and dating apps themselves.

The truth is, the only way to attract a consistent, attentive, and committed partner who shows up fully is to learn to be consistent with yourself, first.

I needed a lot of support with this too but here’s how I did it.

Create a Life of Practices

Learn how to be a consistent person in your own life, first.

The reason I love practices and trust other people who have practices is because they teach us the art of being consistent.

A practice is any one thing you do repetitively with a sense of discipline. Think: fitness training, yoga, meditation, painting.

Showing up to a yoga or workout class even when you don’t want to. Listening to a meditation recording even when you have an inbox full of emails and a huge to-do list.

Creating rituals, routines, and a set of practices for yourself will teach you how to be consistent.

It takes around 28 days to officially form a new habit, 90 days to really solidify a new way of being.

For me I committed to publishing my writing every single day, Monday through Friday on LinkedIn. I promised myself I would do it for a year no matter what. Some days I was more excited than others. Some days I regretted this promise I made to myself but showing up for myself in this way really healed something in me. It taught me the power of keeping my word and pushing through something when it was hard. It was the most rigorously consistent I’d ever been in my life and 3 months into this promise I made to myself I met a consistent and trustworthy partner.

At other times in my life it has been yoga classes or meditating but I will always trust others who have consistent practices in their lives. It says a lot about them and who they are in the world.

Find a Community

It’s hard to stay accountable on your own. That’s why I love teaching group programs and it’s also why the women I coach experience such shifts inside of them. Being immersed in a group of people doing the same work as you and going through the ups and downs alongside you is motivating and encouraging.

Healing happens in connection, not isolation.

If you want to really make progress on your goals and consistently show up for yourself and stay present along the journey, community is so vital. We’re tribal beings who are meant to move together.

No matter what you’re working on, an emotional healing journey, growing a business, fitness or health goals find people who are growing in that way too.

A supportive community could make or break your progress.

Heal Your Inconsistency Wound

Last but not least in order to really attract a loving and consistent partner you have to heal your inconsistency wound. For me this imprint of inconsistency was left in my nervous system from childhood and carried out well into adulthood, it was still causing me to attract unavailable, inconsistent partners because that’s just what I was used to.

It’s why I believe so deeply in somatic work (releasing what’s stored deeply in the body) alongside talk coaching. I use a tool called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) with my clients which is a gentle but effective psychosomatic tapping tool to shift and release stuck beliefs that are being held in the body and causing repetitive cycles to play out.

For a long time I had beliefs like “love will always disappoint me” and “I can’t depend on others”. Those weren’t going to go away no matter how much I talked it out and analyzed it. These beliefs needed to be addressed on the cellular level and removed from my nervous system completely.

Once they were, everything became more consistent in my life. Money, quality friends, and I attracted a secure, attentive, and trustworthy partner as everything shifted inside of me. I did this work alongside my own coach.

To attract consistent love we have to become comfortable consistently meeting our own needs and taking care of ourselves, too. We have to get in the habit of showing up even when we don’t want to to prepare for a partnership that will ask things of us even when we’re tired or overwhelmed. To attract consistent love we have to heal our nervous system and get to the root of why we are playing out the same cycles on repeat if we want to really and truly have a new experience of love.

Consistent, secure love can be the most healing experience if you’ve never had it before. You deserve it and it’s on you to make sure you get to see it happen.

Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.