If You’re Looking for a Serious Relationship, Have this Conversation Before You Have Sex
Photo by Mindy Sabiston on Unsplash
“I just want you to know, I really like you and I enjoy our connection but I can’t have sex with you”
Said the man who I thought was on track to become my boyfriend.
Confused, lying in bed post-fooling around, I thought this would be the night we’d finally have sex.
I met him at a one-day, personal development workshop a few weeks prior. We had hit it off immediately and I thought he was incredibly attractive.
He was the holy-grail of all men, working on himself, sensitive, attentive, and very, very handsome. And older.
He asked me out right after our class and we got dinner and a drink.
I saw him at a follow-up event and we connected again. This time we went to see a movie and got dinner at a diner nearby, nearly closing it down with our conversation.
I was very clearly into him so I made the move to invite him over to my place to watch a movie and hang out.
He came over and we scrolled Netflix for a while before going into my bedroom.
This was exactly what I wanted and everything seemed to be flowing.
Clothes were coming off, we were having some steamy foreplay and then he landed
“I just can’t have sex with you”
Utterly baffled at what it is we were doing in bed then I asked
“Oh? What’s going on?”
He said:
“I just can’t have sex with you”
“Everything changes after we have sex and I’m just not ready for anything serious”
“I don’t know if I can be in another long-term, monogamous relationship again”
He had shared on one of our dates that he just got out of an 11 year relationship. I didn’t pry but it did seem like it was intense.
But what I couldn’t understand was why he got me all the way into bed and wouldn’t just sleep with me and we’d figure everything out and negotiate what we wanted later.
Which was historically, what I had done all my life.
The turn of events still confuses me but that man I’d come to learn (despite his odd timing) was onto something.
Something I wouldn’t learn until many years later.
See, when we have sex with someone we are immediately overtaken by chemicals and hormones.
We are no longer seeing, thinking, or understanding reality, clearly.
For women, much more intensely than men.
The specific hormone oxytocin is released during sex, even more so after orgasm. Oxytocin is a bonding and attachment hormone.
For men, the effects of oxytocin last 2–3 days.
For women, 2–3 weeks.
After sex, women are at the mercy of this hormone. I’ll just speak for myself and say it has caused me to make decisions not necessarily in my best interest, but instead to keep me bonded {and what my body equates as ‘safe’} to someone once that experience has been had.
It doesn’t matter if this person has told me they’re not looking for something serious or they show signs of not being a high-quality partner, I want to see them again and continue having sex.
I’ve gotten stuck in many relationships and hook-ups that never go anywhere because I opened that door and then was overtaken by my own body’s biology.
Until, my most recent relationship.
Setting Up the Conscious Sex Conversation
My whole life I really wanted to be the woman who respected her body.
Who got an STD test before sleeping with a new partner (and asked her partner to do the same).
Who moved slowly and deliberately before getting into bed with someone new.
As my thirties approached and my most serious relationship had long ago ended. Seeing friends go ring shopping and moving in with their partners, I realized I too was ready for a serious commitment. I was mostly healed, my ex had moved on, and I was ready to share my life with someone again.
I needed to stop doing all the things that weren’t getting me closer to that and to do things much differently than my ex and I had — since obviously, he and I didn’t work out.
Knowing what I knew now meant I’d need to a) be really clear about what I wanted (which was long-term partnership and marriage in 1–3 years) and b) not sleep with anyone who didn’t also want that
The first step in setting up the conscious sex conversation is being really, crystal clear about what it is you’re looking for and desiring, with as much detail and specificity as possible and sorting through potential partners until you find someone who is aligned with that.
It also means walking away from someone quicker who isn’t aligned with your desires and definitely not sleeping with them if they’re not interested in giving you what you want.
Having the Conscious Sex Conversation
My boyfriend and I followed this framework and I can confidently say it’s probably why our relationship is so strong and works as well as it does.
As the connection between him and I deepened I was honest and transparent throughout. Saying things like “The more we talk the more connected to you I feel. There’s a lot more I want to learn about you and I’m curious if you feel the same way”.
To which he agreed and we started to make plans to meet in real life.
We actually “met” through a set-up while I was on a 4 month trip abroad so the first months of our relationship were through video chats and voice notes.
When it was established there was a mutual connection and attraction between us and now a shared desire to meet, we talked about what would happen if we wanted to have sex.
Which intiated, the conscious sex conversation.
We had this conversation before physically being in each other’s presence and meeting in real life which I think was important, too.
What to Include in the Conscious Sex Conversation
After establishing we liked each other, had the desire to meet, and were honest about the real possibility that we’d be even more attracted to each other in real life and would want to have sex, we established some baselines and talked it all the way through.
I said outright “I don’t have sex with anyone I’m not pursuing a serious relationship with”.
He said something along the lines of “I respect that, let’s talk about what we’re both looking for, I’ll go first” and then shared his desires for partnership, what he was looking for, and what he had been calling in before he and I met. He then shared some of his top values to make sure we were aligned there, too which, I loved.
I reciprocated and the conversation continued over the course of another few weeks.
I made the request that we both get tested and he agreed that was fine.
The last thing we did was allow each other one more “gut check” before meeting if something felt off and we didn’t want to proceed. We’d have an out and not hold it against the other person if so.
Here’s what to include in your conscious sex conversation:
Desire for marriage, more serious commitment? Timeline?
Kids, no kids? Timeline?
Non-negotiables, deal breakers?
Aftercare + post-sex communication needs
When we met in real life we ran through a few more things including kids, parenthood, past relationships.
You also may be desiring a lover-ship with no serious commitment, or nothing serious at all, or something with the possibility of commitment.
Whatever your desires or wherever you stand, it’s the responsible, and kind thing to communicate upfront.
All in all, I’m proud of the work I’ve done to have been able to consciously, maturely navigate the beginning of this relationship and it’s what I recommend my clients to do as well.
There is nothing wrong with exploration or anything that wasn’t included in this article, the most important thing is to simply be honest with yourself and honest with the other person involved.
Slow dating is most often successful dating.
If what you’re desiring doesn’t line up with the actions you’re taking i.e. entertaining something casual and continuing to see someone who isn’t available for what you’re looking for, then the responsibility falls on you. For most of my life, that’s how I lived and was confused why the serious, mature partner I wanted wasn’t in my life. Until I realized that I wasn’t being a serious, mature partner who respected her body, energy, and time, and so I continued to end up in the same situations.
Follow this general framework and I can almost guarantee you won’t end up confused, hurt, or with regret.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.