How to Offer an Adjustment to Your Partner’s Behavior
Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash
It was December 2018, my boyfriend and I had just broken up.
I was completely heartbroken and in a lot of pain.
I decided to stay with some friends who had a beautiful house on the beach in San Fransisco while I settled into the reality that my relationship, one I had been fighting to make work for months, was really over and I’d be on my own now.
My ex and I had an apartment and lease in New York City we’d need to start unraveling. There were many painful next steps ahead of us. Spending time with friends before attempting to handle everything back in New York City seemed like a good act of self care.
One of the nights during my stay I went out to meet a friend. I ended up crying at dinner telling her about the breakup and was feeling extremely raw, sensitive, and vulnerable.
In the Uber on the way home from dinner, I texted one of the housemates I knew was home.
“Hey Nate, can you start a bath for me? I’m on my way home”
He replied,
“Of course, I’ll do that now.”
I was so relieved to come home after a painful experience out of the house to a warm salt bath I could immediately sink into and privately cry my eyes out in.
My housemate was such a loving man.
We had taken some coaching courses together and I knew he really cared about making women’s lives easier and being supportive of the feminine. I always felt so loved and cared for by him.
I was debating finishing up the bath and thought “you know what would be absolutely perfect right now?”
A glass of water.
I imagined staying in the water a bit longer, reaching my hand down the side of the tub to grab for a glass of cool water to refresh my thirst. Perhaps I wouldn’t want to get out so soon…
But alas, there was no glass of water so I got out and got dressed.
I slowly made my way downstairs to see Nate sitting in the kitchen.
I made sure to give him a genuine, hearty thank you and expression of gratitude.
“Nate, I so appreciate you drawing me that bath. Because you did that, I could get right in when I got home and didn’t have to wait for the water to fill up. I was having a rough night and it was so nice to come home and have that ready for me. I could actually just let go and be with myself and not have to go into planning mode to make that happen. Thank you, truly.”
Alison Armstrong, the author of the Queen’s Code, teacher, and coach for couples, men and women explains that we need to express to our partners clearly what their behavior and actions provide for us when they do them. Doing that speaks to the part of their brain that wants to be of service to the feminine, that wants to show up perfectly and help make our lives easier. She explains:
“Providing is at the heart of a man. Everything they focus on is in order to provide something for someone. And when they do, to some extent, they become a hero.”
For me my thank you to Nate was completely genuine. So much of my own journey into womanhood has been allowing myself to be in my feminine nature more and as Alison explains
“Allowing men (or the masculine) to express their naturally generous, giving natures” can often be a challenging area for women to let go into.
Receiving help from men forces me to face my own beliefs about self-sufficiency, independence, worth, and power. To let myself come undone and be taken care of instead of trying to do everything on my own.
It wasn’t that one day I was able to flip the switch and suddenly let go of my all my rigid self-sufficient tendencies.
It was a slow undoing.
The bath was amazing. I was extremely grateful for his help and I wanted to give Nate an adjustment to mention my desire for the glass of water.
See, my prior conditioning and the voice inside my head would say something like “Just be grateful Molly, he drew you a bath and did what you asked. He took time out of his night to make that happen and wasn’t a jerk.”
Those used to be my previous standards.
The more I care about and honor my feminine nature, the more my desire and appetite for pleasure grows. I have real discernment for how I want to feel and be cared for, right down to the small, tiny details I would have previously overlooked and dismissed as “trivial or non-important”.
I followed my expression of gratitude with
“Nate, do you mind if I offer an adjustment?”
He looked at me with interested eyes.
“Of course!”
“Like I said, the bath was amazing. I feel so much better now but what would have made it even better would be if you had placed a glass of cool water next to the tub. That way I could take a drink, cool off, and stay in a bit longer. Or take my time getting dressed without rushing down to come to get a glass from the kitchen.”
He looked at me very seriously with much consideration. I could tell I had just given him some new information to chew on.
“Thank you for telling me. That’s a great suggestion. I will do that next time.”
“Yeah! It was wonderful but that would make it even better.”
Nate genuinely did love and appreciate the feminine essence of women. He understood it was a privilege to be connected to us, to serve our desires, and to help support us. He wanted to make our lives easier.
Alison explains,
“Men need women. Men are nurtured, literally fed energy merely by being in the presence of a contented woman. If she is happy, they are getting recharged.”
I believe when we’re open, honest, and kind with each other — a whole new level of relating is available.
One of uninterrupted connection. A genuine, nourishing exchange of intimacy between men and women.
Do you find yourself settling for “good enough” in your relationships?
Do you struggle to ask for a tweak or change when you know something isn’t quite right?
Do you wish you could feel more comfortable navigating an exchange like Nate and I had?
Here are some tips to get started:
Express a genuine thank you with a lot of love in your heart
We all want to feel seen and acknowledged, especially when we’ve done something for another person. For example, when I mail a card to a friend, I always like to know that they’ve received it and enjoyed it.
Make it a point to genuinely acknowledge and express gratitude when someone has gone out of their way to make your life easier or help in some way. Reception is a feedback loop and an energy exchange. The person who performs the task is as equally filled up as the person who receives the favor. Assuming they’ve been properly received and acknowledged.
A good tip for acknowledging and receiving is to say a specific thing about what it is they did and why you’re so appreciative. For example in my bath example, I let Nate know how he had made my life easier. I let him know it took a lot of stress off my plate and allowed me to relax after a tough night.
Alison explains,
“Everything you appreciate gives men the energy to do something else for you. Your appreciation lets him know that he provided something worthwhile. That makes him want to and be able to provide more.”
Next, ask if you could offer a suggestion
When people open themselves up and do something for us it can be quite vulnerable. What if the other person hates it? What if it goes terribly? What if everything gets messed up?
There’s always a risk of a gift or kind act flopping.
If you are the receiver, after your thorough acknowledgment, you’ll want to ask permission before any sort of feedback. You’ll simply say “Do you mind if I offer one small adjustment?” or “Do you mind if I share what would make this even more perfect?”
This lets the person know you are appreciative and they did do a good job. Real freedom in relationships is acknowledging that even if what you got wasn’t perfect you’re still able to recognize their effort and take responsibility for what you’d need to make it better vs. blaming them for “not getting it right”.
What you say next may sound something like (assuming they’re a yes to hearing an adjustment)
“I’m so excited for our date night this weekend, and again I so appreciate all the planning you’ve put in to make sure it is an amazing experience. What would make it even better is if we could go to an Italian place instead of Tapas. Do you mind looking up some Italian spots that look good to you?”
Lastly, acknowledge yourself for using your voice and helping your partner to win with you in the future
Give yourself a pat on the back. Using your voice, speaking up, and expressing exactly what it is you wanted isn’t always easy.
It goes against all of our conditioning to have a deep level of discernment when it comes to our wants and needs. We’re taught to accept “what is” or “just be happy”.
The more you practice, the more comfortable you will feel communicating clearly and gaining experience staying connected in high sensation. Ultimately, you’re strengthening the muscle of building intimacy with someone.
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