You're Not Responsible For Other People's Reactions to Your Boundaries.
Photo by Haley Lawrence on Unsplash
I moved out of my NYC apartment and sold all my furniture a few weeks ago.The experience taught me more about human behavior than my entire Psych 101 class did
Mostly, about boundaries.
In an attempt to move abroad, I needed to get rid of everything I owned, bookcases, a dresser, desk, air conditioners, fixtures.
If you haven’t used Facebook marketplace it’s a fascinating place full of fascinating humans.
One woman insisted on carrying a nearly 6ft bookcase away by herself.
Another person, after finding out the dimensions, asked if my fairly large computer desk would fit in an Uber XL.
And another person, similarly, wanted to fit a large table in a small compact car… herself.
I had to hold back all the parts of me that wanted to say:
You really should hire professional movers for this
You’re really better off trying to rent a moving truck
You shouldn’t chance it, just find someone to help you
All the places in me that wanted to control their experience, tell them what I believed was right (based on my own life of course), and “protect” them from the hurt and headache I felt their rigid self sufficiency was going to cause them.
By the time the 4th person said “I think I’ve got this” I said, “Great, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did” and let them go on their way.
Here’s some important reminders about boundaries (and life).
It’s not our job to control or manage someone else’s experience or behavior
We can’t and why should we want to?
When it finally hit me that my only responsibility was to simply move the furniture out of my apartment and collect the buyer’s money it was actually quite freeing. Everything after that was up to them.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys”
-Polish Proverb
Trying to control, manage, or play an unnecessary part in others’ decisions will drive us to insanity. Learning that your partner (and honestly everyone in your life) is their own person with their own needs, wants, and sometimes complex desires, is one of the most important skills you can develop.
Very rarely are other’s choices personal or meant to mean anything about us. They are simply trying to choose what’s best for them based on the skills and knowledge they have. Learn to get clear about what role you have in a situation or what communication or actions you’re responsible for and get comfortable leaving the rest to them.
For me, after the Venmo was received, the rest was in their hands to figure out.
It’s up to us to trust another person’s no, yes, and their ability to ask for help
We can’t be attached to an outcome.
As someone that grew up not always having my boundaries respected, honored, or given space to I struggled to really own both my yes and my no. If I said no growing up family members would often try to convince me otherwise through guilt or subtle manipulation. The same happened in romantic relationships later on too.
As a result, I didn’t always like hearing no from partners and would punish them by either withholding love or attention. When I became aware of this pattern and ended a serious relationship, I knew I had a lot of work to do feeling confident in my own voice and allowing others to have their own too.
When someone says no, even if we don’t necessarily like it, it’s up to us to respect and still approve of them irregardless. The same with someone’s yes and their ability to ask for help.
In my furniture moving example it was not my responsibility to caretake or question each person’s desire to move the pieces of furniture by themselves. It was up to me to accept their “yes I can do it myself” and if they really struggled, to trust they could find the resources to get the help they needed themselves. It was freeing when I accepted that and trusted their own resourcefulness.
We can’t assume what’s true for us is true for someone else
I used to be the type of person who didn’t want to ask for help. Who wanted to effort through and do everything myself. Who thought I was invincible and didn’t need to listen to red flags. Those behaviors ended up hurting a lot of my relationships and led me to burnout and often in situations that could have been avoided. I was very “self-willed” and eventually, I bottomed out.
I realized asking for help usually saved me time even if I felt a little vulnerable on the front end. I usually had more peace of mind from not attempting to always do the impossible and I got second opinions and often better ideas from slowing down and checking in with others first.
It was hard to see some of these furniture buyers in the same spots I used to be in, that I grew out of but who I am to sit here and say that it isn’t all part of their path, like it was mine? Who am I to sit here and say that any of them were struggling or were making the wrong choice? The woman who strapped the bookcase to her shoulder, might have felt incredibly empowered and like a total bada** handling a massive piece of furniture herself. Whereas I used to feel pathetic whenever I struggled to do things on my own.
What’s true for us will never be the same truth for someone else. Our projections onto others will distract us from seeing people’s potential fully and the real truth of who they are and what the situation is asking.
All in all, learning to set, hold, communicate, and honor other’s boundaries and our own is a skill and an art. Especially when people don’t act or do like we “think” they should. It’s valuable to trace back and become aware of your earliest experiences with boundaries. Were they always honored? Shamed? Did you have people modeling healthy boundaries with you at an early age?
If not, know that you’re not alone. Boundaries are historically one of the biggest areas I see clients and people in my life struggle with.
Ultimately, boundaries help others to have better relationships with us. When they know where they stand and what they can expect from each us, there’s room to actually let go and show up powerfully within the connection. Otherwise, time is wasted in the grey area and in the guessing games.
Be clear, invest time on the front end, and be kind to each other. I like to think we’re all doing the best we can with the best of intentions.
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