Why Do I Have to Yell to Get His Attention?
Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich from Pexels
I was at a women’s networking event almost two years ago now but this conversation has stuck with me. I was sitting with a small group of women in a comfy coworking space and we were all sharing about our relationships, the ups, downs, all it took to navigate these intimate connections. One of the women shared how her boyfriend was very aloof and never paid attention to her requests until she got mad and finally “blew up” and screamed at him.
“Why do I always have to yell to get his attention?” she sighed.
There was some chatter and agreement, I let the other women help her process this grievance and when we were walking out after the event, just the two of us back into the NYC streets I left her with some thoughts.
This is actually a common complaint I hear from clients in my relationship coaching practice. At some point in both my private and group coaching containers, I take women through what I call a ‘relationship detox’ experience where we examine old residue they’re holding onto towards their exes, baggage they’ve been carrying around, and I walk them through seeing what their part was and how they contributed to the dynamic.
It always leaves them feeling empowered and with a new sense of control. Often times they’re now able to look forward to their next dating experience with excitement because they now know how to show up differently, now that they’re aware of their patterns.
After studying relationships as extensively as I have, there’s just so much nuance, subtlety, and attention required to really have a relationship trhive — skills we’ve never really been taught. Understanding these dynamics however can be the difference between an intimate, loving, and deep connection or a flat, boring relationship filled with discontent.
Maybe you relate to this woman at the event. You find yourself asking for things nicely, perhaps you ask earnestly, but it isn’t until you raise your voice and make a big scene that your partner finally starts to take notice and take you seriously.
Here are some ideas if you frequently end up in this spot.
Say the “first generation” thought
I always like to ask:
“Were there things going on that you were letting slide leading up to this explosion? Were there emotions you’ve been suppressing? Are you sitting on a bunch of withholds that you’ve been silently keeping score of and seething in?”
Oftentimes, yes.
When we over-analyze or over process in our minds or with people who are outside the relationship and who aren’t our partners, the truth loses potency. It’s now a watered down version of what wants to be expressed and may even now be a compilation of other people’s thoughts and opinions and no longer is a real reflection of how you actually feel.
Work on speaking up in the moment and saying the “first generation” version of what it is you need to say.
You may not even know what you necessarily need or want from your partner but you can practice saying something along the lines of “Hey, I noticed you did this, it didn’t feel great, I’m feeling myself want to withdraw and get mad at you, and I’d rather just be honest right now.” Open up a dialogue from there.
Why this is important is because it prevents a buildup of resentment. It prevents you from bottling things up until some catalyst or major event needs to happen to finally blow the lid off. Sometimes we’re sneaky like that. Ignoring the whisper until it becomes a scream and until you have no choice but to create drama instead of having brought up the issue in real time to reach a resolution in the moment.
Work on expressing yourself and using your voice in your relationship as you feel the feelings and sensations arise.
Actually be honest with how you’re feeling
There is a lot of social conditioning that comes up around “feelings”. Especially if you were raised in a family that didn’t freely express emotions or that made space for them, you may struggle now to navigate your own internal landscape moment to moment. There’s a chance you may not even have the language or words to describe the sensations that arise. On top of that, as a society, there’s a lot less tolerance for the “darker emotions” anger, rage, and frustration.
Sometimes it isn’t completely appropriate to blow off your steam in real-time or to express the true intensity of the anger you feel in the moment to somebody standing right in front of you or to a partner that may be trying their best. Maybe anger elicits guilt or shame inside of you and makes you feel horrible for being angry at all and so you doubt that your feelings are valid.
How do you then honor those feelings without suppressing them? How do you share how you really feel with those around you?
It’s a lifelong practice.
The first step is to simply name what’s going on. Get curious with yourself. See if you can bring in more awareness.
You might hear yourself say, “Wow, this conversation is really irritating me, I wonder what that’s about. I notice I’m feeling all this anger when you don’t take my side. I’m feeling really lonely right now. I feel really annoyed that my friend posted about our intimate conversation on Instagram.”
See if you can become a nonjudgemental observer of your thoughts and feelings and work on getting honest with yourself, first.
Trust that your partner can handle your full range of emotion
As humans, we’re hard-wired for connection. We love, need, and crave the feeling of being seen, heard, and accepted, especially by those we love or are in a relationship with. When we’re not being totally honest with how we feel, moment to moment, we’re rejecting ourselves and not honoring those feelings that are often trying to tell us something. If we push the feelings down and move on, or try to bypass them, in the end, we’re creating dissonance with those we care about most.
Over time, we can even lose our ability to hear our voice of intuition completely and it might stop talking to us.
Have you ever had someone respond with, “I’m fine,” when you knew they really weren’t, but you had no idea how to get an honest response from them?
That’s what was happening with the woman at the event. Every time she was annoyed or needed more help but didn’t ask, or felt frustrated but didn’t express it, her partner couldn’t actually feel her. He couldn’t access that state of connection between the two of them he knew to exist. It scared him, he may have even felt abandoned, maybe confused. We always want to be felt and feel secure in our connections and be understood.
She wasn’t trusting her partner to be able to be with her full range of emotion. Her true annoyance, frustration, or feeling let down by him. Her limiting beliefs were in the way, that she was “too much” and “too high maintenance”. Being seen by him in those spots would have been new, scary, vulnerable, and unknown for her. The truth was, he did want to feel her there and be let into those parts of her. She wasn’t allowing him access to her full range of emotion and expression.
But why do you have to YELL to get their attention?
The answer is, because when you’re ignoring yourself in all those moments, your partner will too. You’ll ask for something to get done, but it’s really an ask on top of all the feelings you’re brooding. He won’t show up to do it, he won’t come through for you. You’ll get increasingly more frustrated, as if you weren’t already. Eventually, with just the right angle and just the right circumstance, BAM, your system can’t hold it in anymore and you have a ‘crazy’ outburst. You may feel insane, but you might find your partner with a subtle smile on his face. Ahh, he can finally feel you again and he has his partner back. He’s missed you underneath all of that “looking good,” “trying not to be a burden, I can handle it all myself”. He wants the real you, the vulnerable, emotional, “too much” you.
So, do you really need to cause a dramatic scene and yell every time to get his attention?
No, not at all. You just have to get more comfortable with all that goes on inside yourself, trust, and do the work to be seen in connection, moment to moment. I can guarantee a deeper, more intimate connection will ensue.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.