How to Properly Say “No”
Photo by Alexander Scott Lambley on Unsplash
When I was training and just starting my relationship coaching practice I was very overwhelmed.
Would I actually be able to help people with their dating woes?
Could I really help elicit transformation in this vulnerable part of their life?
I was nervous working with my first few clients. Every week I’d prepare extensively for our calls, what exercises to walk them through, what homework to assign. I would anxiously anticipate the updates they would have for me. Did something I advise or recommend go terribly wrong?
The answer as it turned out was yes, I could help them. Yes, I was more than equipped to be coaching. Yes, the majority of my clients ended up in loving relationships sometimes within just 4–6 months of working together.
Going on 3 years of my coaching business now, after working with hundreds of women in all different capacities, through widely attended events, 1:1 containers, and now group programming here is a true beneath the veil of what most women struggle with.
Saying no.
The majority of the growth these women experience is when they begin to start saying no to all the things they used to allow in. When they start taking their power back in the form of boundaries and doing things they enjoy and spending their time how they want to. Instead of living out other people’s expectations of them, doing what they ‘think’ they should be doing, and putting others on a pedestal to make their decisions and give them the approval they may be seeking.
I’m giving it all away in this article, here’s how to properly, powerfully say no so that you can get your power back, too.
Start with gratitude
When someone first approaches you with an offer, a request, with an invitation of any kind and you start to get that gut feeling of dread, trust it.
With a lot of love and compassion, tap into your heart space and say thank you for the offer. For example maybe someone invites you to an event, to be their plus one at a wedding, to come along for a shopping trip, asks for help moving, invites you to a casual dinner or coffee, offers to bring you on vacation, asks you to help edit or read through their slide deck presentation, to “pick your brain”, to check out this new networking group with them, be on their Instagram live. You get the idea.
The truth, most people are pretty well-intentioned and benevolent. With the exception of the sociopaths and toxic folk but most people I’d argue are usually trying to be inclusive, create new connections, or just get ahead and enjoy life like you and I are.
Feel into your heart space and give them a genuine, proper thank you.
“Donna, thank you so much for thinking of me. I so appreciate this invite, it sounds like it’s going to be an awesome event.”
“Rachael, thank you for these kind words, it made my day to see your email and that I’m someone that comes to mind for this.”
“Steve, thanks for reaching out to include me in your plans.”
Give a clear no
We’re now at the most important step. This is where you saying NO, clearly, crisply, with no residue, and fully stick the landing.
“I’m not going to be able to make it.”
“I have another commitment and won’t be able to come.”
“I’m not able to add more to my calendar this month.”
“I’m going to pass.”
Here are some things you want to watch out for:
Feeling guilty and wanting to jump in and soften your response to shield the other person from your perceived rejection and saying anything like… “but maybe next time” “I’m a no this time” “I wish I could” “I might be able to” “let me get back to you”. That is if you have no interest in a next time, you don’t wish you could, you know you’re not going to be able to you, and getting back later is just delaying the no you know you need to express right now.
Energetically leaving the door ajar. Stick the landing on your no and energetically close the door completely. People are always in response to us and we can feel when someone is wishy washy with their words. Straighten your spine, trust the other person will be just fine, and commit to your no fully in your body and in the way you transmit your words.
Justifying or over-explaining yourself. No one is entitled to or needs an explanation of why you can’t, why you’re a no, the personal details of your life. Notice if your go-to move is to fill an uncomfortable silence with talking and trying to get the other person to see that you’re not a bad person for saying no.
Give another quick thank you for the offer & acknowledge them
After you’ve given your clear no, similar to how you opened the conversation, give another quick acknowledgement to sandwich the no.
“Again, I really appreciate you thinking of me, this was so thoughtful of you.”
“It sounds like it’s going to be an amazing event, I am wishing you guys all the success.”
“Sending you luck to find your perfect speaker.”
Change the topic and move on with your life
Don’t leave open space for a rebuttal. Don’t add extra meaning or invite in counter offers or negotiations. Simply say your no, give another thank you and change the subject.
“What do you have planned for the weekend?”
“How did last quarter turn out for you guys?”
“How’s Jim doing?”
“Have you tried that new restaurant on Broadway?”
“Any trips coming up this summer?”
Redirect the conversation, engage more if you must and then move on with your life. Hop on your next call, leave for your workout class, go make lunch, call your Mom, take the dog out.
Just move on. The other person will be fine.
Not only will they be fine but they may learn to be resourceful and solve their problem in a new way they weren’t expecting. Maybe they’ll find an even better-suited speaker or get the opportunity to invite someone that will get more value from the event than you would. They could even end up gaining more confidence by going at it alone. Your no isn’t necessarily a bad thing but saying yes when you’re not aligned and don’t want to be there or want to be helping doesn’t serve anyone.
Saying no isn’t always easy. There’s a lot that can come up — especially if you’re a people pleaser or if speaking your truth was never celebrated or allowed.
It certainly wasn’t something I was good at for a long time. Do I still say yes when I mean no? Absolutely, and every time I get reminded that “Oh, I was a no to this and said yes and now I get to remember what that feels like for next time.”
If saying no is something you historically struggle with set yourself up for success by prepping ahead of time. Roleplay with a coach beforehand. Dry run through the conversation. Envision what some potential objections might be and root back in and remember the commitment you’re making to yourself. Be willing and prepared to walk away and take space if needed. Have an exit plan and somewhere you have to be right after so you can easily leave the conversation. Practice saying no in all sorts of contexts so that it becomes normalized for you.
The truth, you can’t fully receive all that you desire and wish for if you’re saying yes to all the things you’re really a no to. There quite literally won’t be space for the good to come in. Choose yourself. Choose your life. Choose and take ownership of both your yes and your no because no one else is going to do it for you.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.