How Not to Give an Apology
Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash
It takes courage to live an honest life. It also takes courage to be someone that cleans up their messes and makes amends quickly.
Having been someone that’s made a lot of messes in my relationships I’ve learned a lot about how to give an actual apology.
The truth, there is an art to it and if not done well, you run the risk of causing more harm than originally caused, and leaving the other person worse off than when you started.
Here’s how not to give an apology based on my experiences of giving some really crappy apologies and then most recently, receiving a really crappy apology.
Justifying yourself
If you’re looking to make an amends or give a thoughtful apology my suggestion would be to first really look at what happened.
Write out everything that went down. What you’re still feeling resentful or bitter about. What residue still remains. What you wish had gone differently, what outcome were you hoping for. Where your expectations or needs weren’t met. All the places you’re still stuck.
When you’ve done that, next look at your part in the dynamic. You might be able to notice where you didn’t speak up soon enough. Where you didn’t set a clear boundary. Where you left out a necessary communication. Anywhere you’ve felt jealous, insecure in yourself, or even judgemental.
Why I suggest doing this is because it will prevent you from justifying yourself when it comes time to make the apology. It will prevent you trying to process and understand what happened vs. working it through to the best of your ability on your own.
I recently received an apology last month which was followed by “the reason that happened and I did that was….”
No, no, and no.
It doesn’t feel good to hear your excuses.
It doesn’t feel good to hear why you think what you did was ok.
It doesn’t feel good to have to sit through you trying to convince yourself that what happened wasn’t as bad as it was.
If you’re making an apology it’s likely because some harm was caused.
You’ve done something “wrong enough” that warrants an admission of fault.
Your character development is learning to own it and learning to sit in the sensation of feeling the full impact of your behavior.
Deliver the apology. Shut your mouth. Welcome or ask the other person to share how it impacted them. Thank them for their time and reception.
At no point do you take up more space making excuses or justifying why what happened did.
How you improve as a person is doing your best to not cause that same harm in the future.
It’s not really an apology if you don’t intend to show up differently.
So, don’t justify your behavior while attempting to give an apology.
It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of.
Go back in
Don’t make mistake # 2 which is to go back in and try to do more processing after you’ve made the apology.
Just leave it.
Consider it complete.
If the person has something else they’d like to share, that’s on them. Your job, if you’ve done a proper amends or made a thorough apology, is to simply show up differently in your life and not make the same mistake again.
The person I recently received an apology from did a double duty mistake. They justified themselves during which I sat through and still tried to keep an heart open for and simply receive what they wanted to take responsibility for but then, they sent a follow-up email response with more justifications and realizations when I was already ready to move on.
Needless to say, I didn’t respond and was left with an even more disappointing taste in my mouth.
Don’t try to take yourself out of the sensation and intimacy that got exchanged by going back in to do more processing and find some relief.
Energetically wait for the other person to approve of you
It’s important to realize that sometimes harm can’t be undone, even with an amends or apology. Sometimes the connection won’t be restored, sometimes the person isn’t open to having a relationship with you again, and sometimes it’s just time to let go and move on.
If you’re making an apology and expect the other person to give you a gold medal for taking responsibility for your actions you’re doing it for the wrong reason.
Don’t go into an amends or apology wanting to be told you’re a good person and wanting to be approved of.
Make an honest apology because it’s the right thing to do. Because you care about the impact you have on others. Because you care about keeping your side of the street clean. Because you care about improving yourself and being the best person you can be in your relationships.
Making an apology as a quick fix or to get on someone’s good side again is never the answer.
Understand that trust takes time to be re-built and the most impressive thing you can do is to continuously work on being the best version of yourself and an example of someone walking their walk and embodying integrity.
It’s not the person that causes no harm or that never makes a mistake that is the most admirable.
It’s the person that handles their life and others with care and cleans up their mistakes quickly and honestly.
The truth, we are going to hurt other’s feelings.
We are going to say the wrong thing, forget when it’s important to remember, and drop the ball for those that are important to us.
How you take responsibility and strive to show up differently is the ultimate path of a life worth living.
Accepting ourselves deeply comes from owning our mistakes and trying to do better moving forward.
Be someone that can look at themselves with humility and strive to leave others feeling good in your presence.
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