The Truth About Coaching

Can you help me find the perfect boyfriend? Can you help me get married?

Many friends jokingly ask me this in conversation about what I do, the work I do with clients. It’s always met with a chuckle and a bit of an awkward laugh but I know there’s some truth in the question — there’s a real hope that maybe, there’s a quick easy fix, that I can provide that magic pill, genie lamp, omnipotent power to manifest this magical person for them after a few sessions and fulfill all their dreams of the perfect union.

Here’s the thing: no, I can’t guarantee the perfect person will show up — after all, I can’t control other people… but I have seen some really incredible transformations right before my eyes working with clients who have been ready for what they want to show up.

Is there a specific formula I can prescribe? No. Are there better ways to do things than others? Absolutely. I’ve outlined a few important things to consider when looking into making a change.


(1) Change is hard

If anyone tries to tell you anything different, they’re lying. Change.is.hard. That’s why most people don’t.. (and that’s ok). The brain uses an incredible amount of energy every single day. Thoughts are energy, they take work. It’s funny to think about “thinking” as expending energy but it really does. As a result, the brain likes to be efficient. It likes to follow the same habitual patterns, over and over and over. It likes to be comfortable, cling to what it knows. So what happens when you keep telling yourself you’re a piece of sh*t failure for not having all the things you want in life? Or that because your love life/relationships suck something must be wrong with you, you’re unlovable, undesirable. Well, that thought pattern is consciously running when you’re in enough pain and it speaks to you out loud but more likely it’s running in the ambient background of your day to day.

Your life then becomes a reflection of that belief.

People don’t treat you the way you want, your relationships habitually fail, get to a certain place and end. Ok Molly cool so I definitely think some version of those things about myself how do I actually change it? Exactly. I’m here to say it’s absolutely possible and I will also just be real straightforward, upfront, and honest — it takes a lot of work to rewire your brain out of old conditioned thoughts.

Healing is the bravest and hardest work you will ever do.

Even if you do start doing self work, that old groove in your brain is way more paved than the new habit you’re trying to instill so it’s very easy for a small mistake to send you right back into your harmful thinking. Old patterns… they’re comfortable, safe, you know them. That’s where the term rock bottom came from, people often don’t make a change until they hit “bottom” — there’s a certain level of desperation they finally reach that propels them to want something new. You don’t have to hit rock bottom… I didn’t. I started making changes in my life with plenty of money in my bank account, a family that loved me, and a strong social support system. I got honest, that the quality of my relationships weren’t where I wanted them to be and that over and over… the common denominator appeared to be me. And it’s taken time, work, to change how my brain works. I have had incredible professionals, numerous coaches, like-minded, growth oriented friends in my life and the transformation has been very real. I really do get why people don’t ever change. I really, really do. It takes a lot of work. In my experience at least, it’s always been worth it. I wouldn’t undo any of it for a minute, ultimately it’s the best investment you can make — yourself. I recommend really getting honest with yourself and learning to love yourself and be patient with yourself exactly where you’re at… no matter where you’re starting from. That may end up being your whole journey. If you’re looking to make change from a place of “I’m not good enough” that will only continue to feed that belief the deeper you go. Try to see it as “I’m perfect as I am and I can only keep improving”. Decide you’re enough and that you also welcome growth, new expansion, and new experiences.

(2) You only get change one way… taking a different action

Tough truth # 2.

You can only change by taking new actions.

If you think after a relationship ends and you get back on a dating app and things will be different with a different person (without doing any type of self worth or changes to yourself) they won’t. You will still attract the same type of person that triggers the same types of behaviors in you, that perpetuates the same belief you have about yourself you still haven’t healed.

If you have done nothing since your breakup except let time pass — you cannot expect different results in a new relationship.

This is why when first starting to work with a client looking to have a better experience in the dating world, I recommend they hit pause and we do some work on their relationship to themselves first. It usually happens very naturally — the energy they used to be putting out into dating apps, going out on dates, shifts back to themselves in a really amazing way when they see there’s so much to be learned about themselves that they had never given attention to. I really love this part of the work I do. We also work on self-regulation. What happens when the obsessive thinking comes back, what happens when they start going down a rabbit hole of negative thought. Together we work on establishing new tools to take different action. When I was in my early twenties dating in Los Angeles — ultimately what got me here on this journey, was that every relationship ended the same.exact.way. It ended and I was resentful and hurt at the man I was dating in this perpetual loop. Sometimes it ended better than others… somewhat “amicable” but I was always left feeling lonely, in a pool of self-pity, and thinking if I could just find a better connection with someone new, if I found a man that treated me better I would have been more pleasurable to be in a relationship with, etc etc. I was doing the same exact thing over and over again. It was when I started cultivating and living a mindful lifestyle, not trying to do everything alone and figure everything out myself, and started asking for and seeking out help…. way different actions than before, the quality of my life changed and as a result all of my relationships and internal state changed as well.

Piece by piece you can become who you want to be. Be willing to build yourself.

(3) You have to be ready, willing, and able

I was in a really interesting couple’s training last week and the lecturer really emphasized one thing: motivation. To change you really and truly have to be ready, willing, and able to do so. This is a big place I pause when talking to prospective clients. When I’m having a conversation with someone interested in coaching I really frankly say “listen, this work takes investment, coachability, time, and willingness — if that doesn’t sound like you right now let’s check back in and that’s totally ok”. The kindest thing you can always do is to meet yourself where you’re at. Trying to force, effort, or make something happen in a way that’s going against your own nature will not wield the results you want. I’ve had to be honest a few times with coaches, therapists, teachers and say something like “hey that’s a really deep thing I see we’re approaching and I don’t think I’m ready to go in there yet.” My body and intuition were telling me something and I knew I had to listen. I’ve also heard my own internal voice say “that’s scary, I really want that thing, I don’t know if I can have it or what I’m doing here but I really want it and I want what they have (freedom, confidence, skill) and

I’ve said yes to uncomfortable things that I knew would stretch and expand me.

It can be a fine line to tread but ultimately you always know yourself best.

That’s the beauty of life is that everyone has such a unique and profound personal journey specific to them. A coach should never be telling you how to live your life. Yes, there are times when my clients ask for specific advice and I can offer my insight, but the job of a coach is to pull out the best of you. To empower you to make choices and reflect back your patterns, behaviors, blind and stuck spots so you can take a new action, make a new choice for yourself because you want to.

Willingness is always the magic ingredient.

If you have even just 1% of willingness capture that opening, say yes to that something you want. Are you ready for the thing you say you really want? Do you want to dig in and actually do the sometimes uncomfortable work? Are you able to set your life up differently and make small changes that might impact other things? Really important things to consider in this process.

Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.

Molly Godfrey