How to Keep Anxiety Out of Your Sex Life
Photo by Jan Zhukov on Unsplash
This is a trying, undoubtedly unprecedented time. I think it’s safe to make the generalization that we are all distracted by worry right now.
Sex may be the last thing on your mind or to-do list. Let alone trying to pull off “good” sex, at that.
Taking care of our most basic needs is on the forefront but moving our bodies and keeping our internal systems in good shape is going to be more important than ever. Sexual energy is our lifeblood, our birthright. Everything flows from it.
Tamping it down, especially now, because of increased fear, panic, and anxiety is not the ride you want to go on.
If you’re quarantined or practicing social distance away from others and holed up with a partner or lover this is for you.
There’s a lot of buzz about anxiety but to put it plainly it is essentially anytime we aren’t in the present moment. We’re thinking about the future, making a to-do list, living in our head instead of embodying our bodies. Being in a state of anxiety makes sex tough because well… sex is a very body-based activity.
Not being present is quite possibly the number one killer of sex. Like, does anyone want to be here anyway??
No good.
So what are we to do when anxiety seems inescapable right now? Try these tips to stay present for the good of our bodies, our intimate connections, and our world right now.
1. Learn to cultivate your awareness
As mentioned, presence is the game-changing ingredient for good sex. It’s also an easy place to check out (sex). I mean you’re lying down on a bed (assumedly), you’re in the receptive position, and having something “done” to you — no doubt it’s easy to be passive and let your mind wander. Or if you’re doing the fucking you might just aimlessly be thrusting and going through the motions thinking of some action scene or quest. Whatever position you’re in the best thing you can do is learn how to hone your attention in on your genitals i.e. your cock or your pussy. Start by taking all the attention off the other person and just really let yourself feel the sensations.
Does your cock feel buzzy, pulsating, electric? or… numb?
Can you put attention on your pussy and let the sensation expand outward?
How about releasing anything you’re thinking about. I like to literally say in my head “let go”, breathe more deeply, and try to drop into my body as much as I can. Try to focus on what you’re feeling in your clit, picture in your head the tip, laser focus all of your attention there. Imagine pulling all the energy from every direction of you and sending it down to your pussy. Lightning bolts.
What does it feel like having your partner inside of you, can you let him in deeper, further?
Men, what does it feel like inside of her? Warm, gooey? Does it feel like she’s wanting something slow or does she want to speed things up? Is it electric inside, do you need to apply more pressure, more intensity?
Feel your way through what her body is asking for.
I know, this may feel impossible right now to tune everything out but start simple. Just start with a single point of focus — your cock and your clit. Try to bring some language to the sensations you’re feeling so they appear more real and your body can have a felt and named experience to remember and imprint.
2. Practice calling each other out
When I was in my desire and intimacy training my boyfriend and I tried a lot of funny things to infuse our sex life with new flavors.
One of them was a commitment to ruthless honesty.
This may not be the exact stroke for you right now but at the time we were always willing to say the super uncomfortable thing we’d honestly rather not.
The important fine print is to also agree to stay connected and receive the things that were said with as much grace as possible.
Specifically, in sex, we had a practice where we would call each other out or call ourselves out when we “checked out”. When our minds wandered and we were no longer in direction connection with each other. See, my partner had learned to cultivate a lot of attention on his cock.
So when we’d be fucking and he felt nothing aka it felt numb or flat, it was a cue to him that I was probably in my head and did not have attention on my pussy or the sex we were having.
He’d say, Molly, come back. Where’d you go? Did you check out? He always did it with a lot of love and kindness. He ultimately wanted to get me checked back in, to come back to our connection and love, it wasn’t an act of shaming me. Or sometimes I’d notice myself looking around our bedroom, eyes open, hyper-aware and vigilant of things going on in the house or running through my to-do list and I’d just laugh and say, babe… I think I checked out.
I can only imagine all the things running through your mind right now. Quieting it might feel impossible. Humor, love, and care are extra important with each other right now.
What was great about this practice was there was humor and play infused in it. No one was a bad person, or bad at sex, or causing any harm it was just funny. We weren’t taking ourselves too seriously.
Hey, I checked out.
Then you just know what’s going on, you aren’t guessing “is the other person having a good time, why isn’t anything happening, am I doing something wrong, how come I don’t feel anything?”
Those extra voices get to go away.
You can reset, try a new position, and get back in the zone of actual synced up connection and experience the pleasure and ecstasy of each other’s bodies.
Try it out!
3. Don’t make noise
This is something I tried recently and was shocked I hadn’t been doing it all along.
Essentially, I was with an old partner, we had been going at it for hours, really and truly consuming and ravishing each other’s bodies and he told me to “Stop Moaning”.. and I did.
I couldn’t believe how much feeling came back into my body, specifically my pussy.
We moan we make noise to let out charge, to expel sensation from our body. Listen, I love making noise during sex. Sometimes I genuinely just.can’t.not. It feels great to scream, purr, express myself, my pleasure, sometimes at the top of my lungs. Truly, nothing better. But if I’m really in the mood to feel, go slow, I don’t. I stop. I try and sync up with all the subtle movements, my breath, I whisper instead of shriek.
Holding in those screams channels the energy back into my pussy.
It gives me a different sense of presence and I like it. Maybe give your partner a heads up you’ll be trying this out. When I’m not making noise at every movement I’m able to practice discernment in what I choose to express and I can be really honest. Does this feel as good as I would usually give the impression of or do I actually want an adjustment, to try something new? For him to do something different. Try it out. If we want to change or want a new result, we have to take different actions.
This one was really different for me and opened a lot up in my sex practice.
Happy sexing, friends!
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