How I Knew I Found a Good Man
Photo by Sabina Tone on Unsplash
It was our second date and I had a desire (as I do). I said, “I want to do something this weekend and I want you to come with me.” He replied “Ok…what is it? If it’s important to you then, of course, we just need to pick a day and time (classic masculine handling me, I loved it)”.
I said: “It’s my 1 year anniversary living in Brooklyn and I want to buy a sweatshirt that says ‘Brooklyn’.”
This seemingly innocent activity was actually incredibly vulnerable. Letting this new man into my heart (I have loved every minute living in Brooklyn and it’s become a huge part of who I am now this city) and letting him see me in my dorky ways — buying a sweatshirt for a city you live in (hah).
He said, “alright let’s do it”.
We get to the store — Brooklyn Industries, filled with ‘Brooklyn’ only gear. I was excited and honestly, trying to play it cool. I could not wait.
I’d been thinking of this moment for months… buying myself the sweatshirt, having made it in this city an entire year. The grit, the ups the downs, all of it would be celebrated with this purchase.
Well, they didn’t have any I liked… no crewnecks and only men’s sizes. I tried two on but they weren’t “the one”. I actually wasn’t too devastated… I would rather have a sweatshirt I want and love than one I knew I’d be settling with. I could be patient.
He asked, confused… “so you’re not going to get anything?” “ No.,” I said.
See desire is an exacting mistress, as an old teacher of mine used to say. One inch to the left or right, off cue, and its no good. I knew what I wanted and was more than willing to wait.
To be honest the electricity of expressing this heartfelt, personal desire to a future mate might have even been the entire point.
Ok, so no go on the sweatshirt but we still had the rest of the date to spend together. We agreed to grab some food and after walking around Dumbo for a bit he spotted a place. “Have you ever been here?” He said pretty excitedly, guiding me towards a nice looking taco shop. “No, let’s try it!”
We get inside I start checking out the menu — there are a few options: chicken, pork, and cactus. I was definitely hungry, hungrier than I thought but also feeling indecisive. In my mind, I was narrowing down which to pick. He could see my wheels turning, struggling to make a decision. “Which ones do you like?” He asked. “Well…?” He looks at me, smiles. “Let’s get them. Sir, we’ll take all three.”
Ahhhh I thought — he read my mind, felt my desire, my real and true hunger and wanted to feed it without pause and with a smile.
These may be tacos we’re talking about but it actually represents something a bit deeper. Here I have a man that:
a) can feel I have a big appetite
b) isn’t intimidated and wants to feed it
c) has fun and joy in the process
So he bought you tacos Molly, cool…
Yes, he bought me tacos but he also showed me that wanting a lot, being a hungry woman is ok and welcomed with him.
So many of my relationships in the past were constant power struggles. The bigger (and hungrier) I got (for intimacy, experiences, pleasure, sex, growth, love, joy) the more uncomfortable my partners got. The bigger woman I became, threatened them. It would manifest as competition, game playing, depriving me of love, attention, affection to ‘punish’ me for asking more of the relationship. All subtle ways to keep me small as I was trying to grow bigger and expand. If I wanted more, more would likely be asked of them and they weren’t too keen on that.
Am I blaming or mad at them? Absolutely not.
See, they were the perfect reflections of how insecure I felt being a powerful woman. How much approval I lacked for my big desires, my deep hunger for life and love. I saw desires that were outside the box, against the status quo as “inconvenient and unreasonable”.
My whole life, my conditioning taught me to be a kind, considerate woman who didn’t take up too much space. A woman who was “low maintenance”. Didn’t ask too much of anyone, who wasn’t a bother.
When I starting turning on, living more in my body, taking up physical space, doing deep inner healing work, clearing out fog and insecurities, I woke up and realized I no longer wanted to live in the tiny box society would rather me stay in and “play well with others”.
Screw that I thought, my hunger is my power.
Now my job is to show up differently. With myself. With men. Embodying the woman I want to be. Owning my worth, owning my power, living in the fullness and rightness of myself. Acknowledging what I want, that I want a lot, and then asking for it. Bonus round: allowing a man to see me here, in this vulnerability, in all my power and hunger, and giving him the opportunity to help feed and serve it. That will continue to strengthen with time and we both become our better, highest selves for it.
But the more I show up this way, a man comes along who wants to buy me all the tacos my heart desires.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.