Honest Love, Transformation, and Modern Dating - in Discussion with Aaron Perlman of Noble Leadership

“The future is not female. The future is healed, mature, Masculine and Feminine learning who they truly are, and walking forth together.”

I’m sure by now you’ve heard about my specific journey — hating and resenting men and having a very ‘masculine’ lifestyle and career. Through my own healing work and curiosity within myself, I have now deeply transformed and have come to love and approve of the masculine parts in not only me but also as reflected in all the men I come into connection with and meet.

The truth, we have both masculine and feminine energies in each of us and true fulfillment and lasting intimacy I believe comes as a result of the proper union between these two forces. In my own experience when my inner masculine began to heal, the parts of myself I used to ‘produce, effort, achieve’ but had me feeling unfulfilled, I was able to love and approve of the men in my life a lot easier. I was able to see those parts of them, that wanted to provide, serve, and help as ‘good’ and ‘important’ and something I had to learn how to be in a relationship with instead of resenting and not allowing them in.

Today I am not featuring my own writing but instead, I am pulling back the cover on an old friend of mine and fellow coach, Aaron Perlman of Noble Leadership who has done this deep inner transformation work and now turned entrepreneur helping others to achieve the same level of freedom in relationships and with self.

A lot of you reach out to me “What resources do you have for men, where can I send the men in my life” and my answer: to this man here you will read about below.

Aaron is a Columbia University-trained transformational coach. By combining mindfulness with action-based psychology, he helps men positively change their mindsets and behaviors to bring about more fulfilling relationships with themselves and those closest to them.

I hope you enjoy our interview. Our story goes wayyyy back to 2009 when we met as mere 18-year-olds in undergrad studying finance in Boston. Somehow, because I think there is a guiding force in all of our lives at play, we happened to be living in the same city (NYC) 10 years later and reconnected after lots of time had passed.

Aaron is someone I consider myself privileged to know and be connected to. We always have in-depth conversations, share best practices, and support each other in our respective lines of work.

Tell us a bit about yourself. Who are you? What were you doing before you began your coaching career/biz? Share a bit about your personal journey that had you inspired to pursue a coaching career.

My name is Aaron and I am so happy for the opportunity to connect with you and your subscribers through this interview. I hope that what we’ll be touching on today will be instructive, insightful, and above all helpful for everyone out there.

Before my dramatic career change, I was working in Boston as a consultant for a company that modeled natural disasters. The idea of working with major insurance players and predicting damage from hurricanes and earthquakes sounded pretty sexy when I described it to friends or at bars… except in all honesty the day-to-day routine of it all was unbearably boring, at least for me. I joined the company after graduating college in 2013, and by 2015 I was completely unmotivated and uninspired.

One day everything came together for me and I knew I had to get the hell out of there. It was a Monday morning, and I was waiting in line for the company coffee machine. There was an older guy in his 40’s ahead of me. Good guy, he was always friendly to me. When he finished making his economy-class free cup o’ Joe, he turned around and said, “another Monday…”

I was calm on the outside, but under the surface, I snapped. I could see so clearly me at his age saying the exact same thing to a 24-year-old if I continued down the path I was on. At that moment I decided I was not going to let “another Monday” go to waste, and I began charting a new course for my future. Ultimately I figured out that I wanted to be a transformational coach.

I’m very different from what I was like when I was younger. I was bullied a lot and beaten down from elementary school through high school. I didn’t think much of myself as a result. I remember I would compare myself to the “average”. Whatever I was doing, sports, school, etc., I just wanted to be average. I didn’t consider being more than that since I didn’t believe I had the potential to be an exceptional person.

Fortunately, I had some amazing male role models as I got older who helped me look at myself differently. They lifted a cloud for me so I could see my own innate potential. Most importantly, they showed me how I could be a man in my own right and on my terms. I can’t express enough how invaluable these mentors were and how grateful I am to have had them in my life.

For me, coaching is my way of giving back to others in a similar way that my mentors helped me. Having personally gone through radical transitions, I’m so damn passionate about the work and can’t see myself doing anything else.

What is Noble Leadership, why did you name your company that?

The definition of noble is, “to have or show fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals”. This encompasses both the inner and outer work of becoming one’s highest self. In my eyes, the “having” refers to becoming conscious of these personal qualities, cultivating them, and then grounding them into a person’s core. The “showing” means acting through these principles. It isn’t enough to simply believe in values, that doesn’t do anyone any good. One must use them as a compass to navigate the world and respond to situations. I believe that when a person is grounded in their highest ideals and can act through them when they become noble, they are able to face adversity with resilience and appreciate the gift of life. Ultimately I think that everyone wants to have a purpose, act more authentically, and make conscious choices about the direction of their lives. No matter how deep down that feeling is, everyone wants to be noble.

While growth starts from within my coaching goes beyond impacting an individual. We’re social creatures and how we interact with others causes ripples that affect our family, friends, organizations, and communities. I believe we’re all born to be leaders in some way. That doesn’t mean we all run companies or direct others, but we have a cause and effect relationship within our circles. When others come in contact with someone who is noble, they are inspired to reach higher for themselves. When I coach someone, I have two frames in mind with respect to leadership: 1) How they can influence and lead others because of who they have become. 2) How they can lead through inspiration and compassion instead of fear and intimidation.

Transforming people into noble leaders, that’s what my company is all about.

When you coach clients, how do you go about helping them? How do you help them become the person they want to be?

I offer both career and relationship coaching, but my process always starts with bringing awareness and clarity to the client’s current situation.

Clients usually have an idea of what they want to work on, or a particular challenge they want to overcome. However, I never jump right into action, no matter how hard they might press me. First, a client and I explore where they are now, we get a very vivid picture of what that looks like. We dig up their fears, personal history, actions, and the assumptions that make up their current mindset. It isn’t all doom and gloom though, focusing on the positives is equally as important. Their character strengths, support systems, mental and physical resources will help them overcome challenges. A focus on positivity may sound obvious, but a lot of people who come to me are very aware of what they want to “fix” and completely oblivious of what they want to “keep” or add more of.

Once my client and I have delved deep into where they are now and uncovered how their past may have contributed to that, we move the focus towards their destination. Even though they may know what their goal is, they may not have a clear picture of what it looks like. This is incredibly important. When you drive somewhere, you wouldn’t just put California into the GPS; you would use an exact street address. The same goes for a goal or a vision. After we’ve established clarity, we can work together to set small steps for how to get to their destination. It’s a backward approach. Action on the part of the client happens throughout the process, but it’s most prevalent and important when we get to this stage.

The methods I use vary from client to client, but I borrow a lot from Positive Psychology, Mindfulness/Eastern philosophy, and the courses I took at Columbia during my master’s program. I’m very confident in these tools when it comes to reframing a client’s mindset and guiding their actions towards where they want to go.

What’s the difference between using a professional coach vs talking to a friend?

Well, friends can be really helpful and are an invaluable support system. But the big difference is that they usually have their own history and perceptions of reality that can get in the way of actually helping someone and cultivating change. Friends can be very quick to give advice which may make a person feel unheard or misunderstood. The result is that the person agrees with their friends, but ultimately does whatever they were going to do anyway. Another obstacle is that it can be hard for some people to be really vulnerable with friends. They don’t want to be judged for their current problems/insecurities or seen poorly when they fall back into their old ways of being. I see this a lot with men, and I get that. I was like that when I was younger.

Coaching is different because it offers a space for someone to truly explore every side of themselves and their goals without criticism. When offered a nonjudgmental environment, that person has the safety and security to really open up to themselves and new ways of thinking. A good coach is a professional listener and can draw attention to ideas or thoughts hidden behind the client’s words. While fostering exploration is a central part of the process, coaches know how to direct what’s being said into effective action. Coaching is action-oriented, and while the coachee determines the steps they will take, the coach provides encouragement and accountability. A good coach wants what’s best for their client and knows how to blend support and honesty to motivate a person effectively.

What’s different in your relationship now than in previous ones?

That’s a great question with a lot of answers. To give some context to the readers, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now and we’ve been living together for about seven months. I’ve never lived with a significant other before and it’s been really smooth, which speaks to the quality of our relationship.

She really is my partner in crime. We laugh a lot about insignificant things and make fun out of thin air. I’d use an example, but all our inside jokes are super weird so I don’t think anyone would get them…

We both have unique careers. She’s a professional theatre dancer and she gets where I’m coming from. We both made the risky choice to pursue passion over security. She’s supportive and wants me to succeed as a coach and entrepreneur. She gives me space when I need to work and I do the same for her. We’re both following our own paths together. I’ve never experienced that in the past and I can’t express enough how good it is to have her in my corner.

On a similar note, we give each other space in general. Since we live together now and are quarantined, space is SO important. We don’t expect to be with each other every second of every day, even though we’re yards away from each other all the time.

Honesty and clarity are unique to my relationship now. By that I mean she truly knows who I am and vice versa. There’s no hiding, flexing, or altering. I had a friend over a few weeks ago for my birthday, and I didn’t have to change how I acted around either of them. It was just a seamless blend of how I am with him, and how I am with her. I see a lot of guys and friends put on this whole false persona when they’re with their girlfriend. I’ve been like that in the past and I get it, but it’s so exhausting. I don’t have to deal with that anymore, I’m just myself.

The way we fight is really different too. We’ve never yelled at each other. We’re pretty calm when we argue, which we certainly do, but attack problems together. Of course, we both get defensive sometimes, but we don’t attack each other personally or withdraw. We talk about it and usually regroup once emotions die down. We’ve never gone to bed angry at each other. I give her a lot of credit for this dynamic because she’s so loving and doesn’t tend to get angry. I’m more prone to anger and defensiveness during arguments. In all honesty that’s because I have more trauma from my past; I was beaten down and bullied a lot as a kid so it’s pretty easy for me to feel threatened and become defensive. But being with her has helped me get better with conflict because every one of our arguments acts as an experience of what healthy conflict resolution looks like.

What would you say to guys who are out there dating now?

It’s definitely a tough and unprecedented time right now and everything is out of whack.

For casual dating, all I’ll say is be safe.

For those looking to find someone long term, I have a few words of advice:

Take your time and make sure you know what you’re looking for. I have friends who just started looking for girlfriends now, but I can tell their biggest motivation is that they’re bored and looking for someone to fill that void. What concerns me is that their orientation towards quickly finding a partner is setting them up for disaster. In 1, 5, or 20 years from now, are they really going to be happy that they simply got in a relationship to check the box and find companionship during Covid? Is the dating equivalent of Ebay’s “Buy It Now” option really the best move? Personally, I don’t think so.

When it comes to finding your partner, be discerning. Always. Even during Covid.

I would highly recommend taking a look at past relationships too. Here are some questions to help you do that:

• What about previous partners did you like and would want to find in a new one?

• What did you dislike and will not stand for in your next relationship?

• How would you like to show up in your next relationship?

• What would need to change for you to become that person?

• What can you do to get there?

Getting grounded in what you’re looking for is so crucial when choosing the right person. Your criteria is specific to you. No one else can pick what you like and what’s important to you. Get clear on those factors. This way when you’re out there on dates, you’ll know if you found someone special.

Work on yourself too. Make progress towards the person you want to be and your odds of landing that special someone will go up tremendously.

Finally, don’t think so much. Your brain will try to rationalize and come up with reasons that don’t serve you. It’ll tell you to stay with someone that you don’t really like just because they’re attractive or have a high-paying job. Tune into your heart and your gut. They know what you really want and what’s good for you in the long term. You may not like what they’re signaling, but they never steer you wrong.

What would you say to someone who is trying to get better at building boundaries with others?

Ah yes, boundaries. I struggled with this for a long time.

Boundaries are hard to set and maintain for a lot of people, especially if you are a people pleaser or have overbearing parents.

I used to have a lot of negative feelings when trying to set boundaries, or totally forget that I even had the “right” to do so. I don’t think I’m unique here, I’d bet a lot of people reading this can relate.

Guilt, anxiety, safety, these are all at the core of boundaries. When people talk about boundaries, it’s usually a very grim and serious subject. Usually, because those who want to talk about it need to work on setting boundaries. There’s a lot of fear and frustration there. But when I started seeing boundaries as commitments, things started turning around for me. Working on my ability to stand by my commitments allowed me to set stronger boundaries while simultaneously lessening the amount of guilt and anxiety I felt when doing so.

For people who are starting out, I recommend setting commitments to personal goals first. It’s easy to say, “I won’t let my friends guilt me into going out for drinks when I have work to do”. But following through when that particularly pushy friend texts or calls you is a different beast. By starting with a personal commitment, you’re training your integrity; the ability to stick to something that you said you were going to do. Start with something easy. This may be meditating when you get up, reading 10 minutes a day, or getting a certain number of steps in. It doesn’t matter as long as you follow through. Over time, you’ll be better equipped to stick to your boundaries, even under pressure.

When I started to work on my boundaries, I took on a very aggressive approach. More importantly, I didn’t really know what my boundaries were. I had heard the term boundaries so much in the mental health community that I was doing the work mainly because I felt that I “should”. I looked for opportunities to call people out for their actions or be disagreeable as a way of proving to myself that I could defend my boundaries. Sounds super healthy and empowering right? It wasn’t until years after my journey began that I started to look inward to figure out where my actual boundaries were. I recommend doing this step early on in your journey to set healthier boundaries.

Everyone’s boundaries are different, so look inside and figure out exactly what yours are. Doing this makes you very clear on when to say no and why doing so is important. I found that this soul searching really helped lessen the anxiety and guilt I normally felt when saying no, and reduced the urge to prove something to myself (though that still comes up every now and then). There are no rules about what your boundaries are as long as they’re grounded in your values and well-being.

What common things do you see men do wrong in relationships?

Not Starting Honestly

One of the most common things I see happens straight off the bat. A lot of guys aren’t 100% honest at the beginning of dating. They want to impress a woman or are scared that she’d leave if she knew the real him. I used to do that and it always ended badly. Lies eventually surface and you look untrustworthy. Even for stupid things, your integrity gets called into question. I used to do this, because I was insecure. I think everyone can relate to this point because we’ve all done it. The best way to have a relationship that is grounded in honesty is to start that way. As a bonus, since a lot of men don’t do this, you’ll stand out from the crowd and be that much more of a catch.

Poorly Communicating Vulnerabilities

When talking about honesty, it’s impossible not to address communicating feelings. Sharing vulnerabilities correctly is the second thing I see a lot of guys doing wrong. And I get it, I used to struggle with this a lot. Men simply aren’t taught how to do this well. It makes me sad because I know that a lot of guys suppress what they’re truly feeling and I used to do that for a long time because I didn’t want to be judged or lose a girlfriend.

There’s a pervasive stigma for men to “man up” and not express their insecurities or fears. But, we’re all imperfect and have insecurities. Whether we acknowledge them or not, they will rear their heads and sabotage our wellbeing and relationships. Guys who are afflicted with this mindset act in a predictable way, I call it suppress-then-explode.

Not all guys are this way though, there are sensitive men out there as well. I’d count myself as one of them. I see my ability to communicate emotions as a strength, but in the past, I was sharing them in a counter-productive way.

Sensitive guys have a lot of emotions and can be overwhelmed by them. They’re not shy to share their vulnerabilities but collapse under their immense weight. A word commonly associated with this type of man is “needy”. Needy guys pour out all of their emotions and crumble. Unloading the full volume of their feelings can be too much to handle for their partner though. The simple fact is that their girlfriend can’t take their pain away. The constant requirement to be the guy’s source of strength associates the relationship with negativity, pushing the girlfriend away.

So what’s the solution? It’s a healthy blend of the two destructive patterns above. It’s rooted in taking responsibility for one’s emotions while letting the other person in. Complete ownership of what you’re feeling even if you wish that your insecurities could simply go away. You talk calmly and openly. If you have enough awareness about how certain insecurity developed and the history behind it, let your partner in on that as well. People love to know why. I call this way of expressing vulnerabilities “grounded sharing”.

So for the guys out there who resonated with the destructive patterns above, I see you, I respect you, and I feel for you. But, I urge you to try grounded sharing. I promise that the more times you give it a shot, and are received respectfully, the better you will feel and the more natural this mode of expression will become. If you’re with a partner who disrespects you when you do share your emotions properly, then that is out of your control and you may want to reconsider if they’re really a good fit for you.

Not Listening Effectively

The final big thing I see guys doing wrong is effective listening. We’re all emotional creatures, women probably more than men. A lot of guys out there go right into problem-solving mode. They try to fix the issue immediately instead of hearing the woman out. Maybe it’s something at work, with a diet, or with a friend. Most guys will hear what’s going on and start throwing out solutions to put out the fire. It’s typically well-intentioned, but very logical. Therein lies the problem.

There’s this great video called “it’s not about the nail” on Youtube that shows what I’m talking about perfectly. I highly recommend checking it out here.

Like I said before, women are emotional creatures. They need to feel heard. Their emotions, feelings, insecurities, sensitivities, all of it needs to be seen and felt first. To really listen to a woman requires patience, presence, and empathy. If you can give her the space she needs to feel seen and heard, you’ll be amazed at how much this revitalizes her and strengthens your relationship.

This isn’t to say that a guy should surrender all of their time listening to a woman when she is upset. Boundaries can be set around this. A compassionate, “babe I love you, and I wish I had more time to listen to you, but I have to do [x] right now”, is a great way to move the conversation to a later time. However, even just 5 minutes can be enough to help her unpack what she’s feeling and signal that you care for her.

Aaron is a transformational coach connecting the mind, body, and soul through science not fiction. He especially loves to work with others in both areas of love and relationships as well as career and business. 

If you’re someone that struggles with self-honesty, vulnerability, or presence and effective listening and finally want the experience of a loving, compatible, fulfilling relationship coaching with Aaron may be a fit. Book a free consult with him here.