The Quality of Your Life is Dependent on Your Ability to Pay Attention
Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash
There is a superpower you can have in all your relationships. It’s probably not what you think.
You don’t have to be a 6’4 investment banker. Or a supermodel. Or the most interesting person on the planet.
The quality of all your relationships is dependent on one thing and one thing only.
Your ability to pay attention.
Having an exquisite level of attention that you give to the people in your life.
Good news — it’s very much a learned skill.
When I began my training as a coach I was immersed in a mindfulness community. We committed to almost an hour of daily meditation. I kept this up rigorously for over a year and I happened to meet someone in my coaching program that I began to date and later got in a serious relationship with.
There was nothing particularly special about our relationship but what made it by far the most connected and intimate one I had experienced to date, was that we were training at a high level how to cultivate our attention, how to be in our bodies, and how to feel moment to moment (using our attention) what wanted or needed to be said. As a result, we were deeply connected and had a very honest, open flow of communication and shared sense of electricity.
Today, as a relationship coach, this is probably one of the biggest areas I work with clients on and also an area I’ve personally invested a lot of time and training in. It’s my job to read underneath what’s ‘actually’ being said as well as feel for moments that need more space, need more holding, or need to be cut through with firm direction and honesty.
Luckily there are, for the most part, simple things you can do to learn how to increase the quality of your attention to bring back into your relationships.
It comes down to learning how to stay in your body, learning to keep the attention off of yourself, and being able to name what you see and think.
The truth, the world is very cluttered these days.
We’re being asked so much and being pulled in a million directions.
The world right now also doesn’t make our bodies a very pleasurable place to inhabit which leaves us half on our phones, half in a daydream, or half zoned out.
Being present… kind of sucks.
And, it’s what will make or break your relationships.
Women I work with tell me time and time again they don’t want a dozen roses, they don’t even want a perfectly cooked meal.
They want their partners to be 100% present with them.
To ask them a thoughtful question when they share something, to be followed along with when they’re talking. To be shown they’re cared about, that what they’re talking about is more important than a to-do list, a work project, or a fantasy of whatever kind.
They don’t want to have to hold 100% of the conversation.
They just want attention.
Exquisite, penetrating attention.
Their patterns to be disrupted.
To actually be seen.
We have armors on all day. ‘Personalities’, filters we express ourselves through. Most people only experience one side of us. It can get exhausting.
When someone sees us for who we are, even for a moment, it’s a deeply refreshing and unfortunately rare situation.
We overlook how important it is to make others feel ‘chosen’.
If you don’t learn to take the attention off of yourself you are going to miss important moments.
You’re going to run over your partner when they do or say something vulnerable and they will feel dropped and dismissed. You’ll skip over a moment of intimacy that was asking you to open for and you won’t feel as connected.
You’re going to miss subtle communication. You’ll have failed the ‘test’.
We’re always testing, on a conscious and subconscious level. Are you safe? Are you someone I should continue to invest time and energy in? Do you remember the little things?
You win the test by catching a small detail, something no one notices. You immediately become more trustworthy. Your partner will feel safe to open more with you. You’ve created containment with your attention.
If you fail, there’s a point in the doubt bank. Are they really someone I can trust to give all of myself to? Can they handle me at my worst?
Here’s how to increase your bandwidth of attention and exercise the muscle.
Learn to take attention off of yourself
The world is happening out there. Not, in your head. The moment you learn to consciously ‘get out of your head’ your relationships will change. After a certain point, our own lives become boring. How much can we ruminate in our own problems, our own ‘crap’ day to day?
Want some variety?
Check in on other people. See how they’re doing. Ask them about their lives and their days. In my early recovery from alcohol my sponsor required me to call 3 other women a day. Why? Because when my attention and obsessive thoughts were always on myself and what I wanted and needed and how terrible of a person I was, that’s where I stayed. My head.Obsessing over things I couldn’t control, or making poor decisions because I had no outside reality or reflection.
Take the attention off of yourself.
Become a genuinely curious partner. Your self consciousness will disappear. What we put our attention on grows. If you’re constantly indulging in your thoughts of self-pity and what a bad person you are, feeding those will make them reality. Learn to have your attention on what’s in front of you, I promise it’s more interesting.
Actually name what you see and feel
We’re all running around trying our best. Trying to make it through the day without causing harm, contribute what we can to the world, and be the best partners that we can.
We don’t know what we don’t know.
Be the person that speaks up. That says “Hey I noticed this yesterday”, “Hey what did you mean by that?”
Learn to be curious in your relationships. Make your partner the most interesting person. Actually speak up and ask them things you’d normally overlook, they think no one notices or pays attention to. Circle back to something they mentioned in passing a long time ago. If something feels funky say “Hey, I feel tight just now, what’s going on for you? Did I overlook something important?”
Your willingness to engage and lean in signals your commitment to showing up and being an active participant in the relationship. In coaching, my job is to name the thing I see because most people, won’t. “Here’s what I see” is a line I say all the time.
We need accurate reflection to be better versions of ourselves. Don’t live in your head, don’t let others always lead, don’t withhold things that could be of value.
Speak up.
If you feel something, take the risk to communicate and express what’s going on for you. Lovingly point things out.
Hold space and learn to expand the range of sensation in your body
Depth is a real thing. I hear women say all the time. “Yeah, he’s great but I don’t think he actually has the level of depth I need and want.”
We develop depth by increasing the range of sensation and feelings we can hold and feel in our body.
How does that happen?
By making ourselves uncomfortable. By challenging ourselves to stay present and notice what’s going on in our body.
Start with a mindfulness practice of any sort. Yoga, meditation. There will be a day when you’re grumpy, angry, and don’t want to show up. When you master the day of meditating even when you have uncomfortable feelings, congratulations you’ve learned how to feel and hold more in your body.
People with depth are more trustworthy. They don’t blow away like a feather in the wind. They can hold space and are grounding.
Actively invest in practices or exercises that force you out of your comfort zone. Talk about your feelings with others when you would normally hold things inside. This will give you the experience of being seen by others and letting feelings rush in — vulnerability, nervousness, heat, embarrassment and learning that you don’t die when you do that. Most people want to know what’s going on in our heads and who our authentic selves are.
Challenge yourself to feel more and you will become a better partner and someone others want to be around.
When we engage in practices that help strengthen the level of attention we’re able to provide to others, our relationships improve. Becoming someone with depth and the capacity to feel has people naturally want to be around us because they in turn feel more and be more of themselves in our presence.
We all wanted to be noticed, to feel significant, important, and that our existence contributes to the world.
Be the person that notices.
Be the partner that’s leaned in and attentive to all that your partner is working on and doing in the world.
Help draw more of them out.
Help them be seen so they show more of themselves to others.
In a filtered, cluttered world we need more humanity. We want to know others are having our same experiences. Let’s pay attention to each other, fully.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.